it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You Might Also Like
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”