its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
He wanted to make sure😂
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.