I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)