It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Mornin
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from