It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 馃檨
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I鈥檓 pretty sure you can tell me where you鈥檇 like to eat.
Me: I don鈥檛 know, where do you want to eat?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Just call and I鈥檒l be there.
*Turns phone off*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no