It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
kids play hide and seek like
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Ugh but profoundly