@SocialExtortion: It's been the "longest week ever" for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them
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@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@conanobrienswyf: How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
@Fred_Delicious: [becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
@WheelTod: My family's dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.