Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The first matador
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??