@PaperWash: What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

@BoutCrazed: "I'm frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat" is what I said. "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano" is what I meant.

@markleggett: HOBBIES INCLUDE: - Whispering dark secrets to animals - Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth - Being vegan, but also eating steak

@krishna_van: Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

@truegritrumble: KID: *is crying over school drama* ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older- KID: *smiles hopefully up at me* ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.