It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children