It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.