It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Just say no