It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying