Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
🤭😂
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.