It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?