@envydatropic: It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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@ShortSleeveSuit: Friend: Can you give me a ride? Me: I'll give your MOM a ride! [Later] Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream? Me: It's freezing outside. 4: I know. It won’t melt.