@TheMichaelRock: It's cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can't even dress the kids properly.
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@fro_vo: [spelling bee] Judge: your word is tennis Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s Judge: Me: Judge: please spell it again i lost count
@DesecratedJewel: Co-worker: How are you today? Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
@Home_Halfway: The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
@AthenaMystique: 20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love* 32 year old me: *tweets*