You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho