It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Goat cheese is for herders.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.