It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
You Might Also Like
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
and this one
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat