I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.