The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Put this video in the Louvre
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.