Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
synchronized noseblowing