It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?