it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”