It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t