It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
u spoke cat all this time??????
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”