@simoncholland: It's fine to eat a "test" grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it's all, "sir you need to leave."
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@girl_a_whirl: *doorbell rings, I open door* Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species? Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it? Alien calls back to mothership: Can't I just vaporize her?
@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@jimmytorosian: *Brings axe to slumber party* "Oops. I thought you said 'lumber party'" *Knew the whole time* *Waits until they're asleep* *Chops down tree*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Breaking: It's snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.