It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
did it work
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.