[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you