It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
This is my favorite one of these!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry