@the_anastasia: It's funny how all those "best places in the world" lists always forget to include the Internet.
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@BuckyIsotope: WHO SAID "YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED" A) Gov. George Wallace B) The Offspring C) My mom teaching me to do laundry D) All of the above
@TheBoydP: [work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*
@Momtoteens: Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
@AlanFelyk: “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner