Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Pot warmers of the day.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.