Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.