It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is