It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
no their not
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no