It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
beware of dog
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Well, that should do it
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.