@dietredbull: it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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@Thynebear: "You're bleeding because you don't floss" Me: No, I'm bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
@envydatropic: I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive
@TheToddWilliams: Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
@AnOrangeSNES: When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters