it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”