@Scott_A_Gilmore: It's "hairs" not the collective "hair" now. I have so few I know each individually by name.
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@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
@hipstermermaid: I'm going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.