@Scott_A_Gilmore: It's "hairs" not the collective "hair" now. I have so few I know each individually by name.
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@MartaEffing: I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "How many fingers am I holding up?" Ian: "err... 13..." Doc: "Yeah. Some of these are yours. You've been in a serious accident."
@Breadery: When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.