I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them