It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Gods work.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*