It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Why is everyone getting married at me
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.