It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Harsh but fair