It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
No, he would not have.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
new shirt idea
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.