It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice