Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
You Might Also Like
stop
oppen heimer style lol
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The glockness monster
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
OMG 🤣🤣
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .