I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]