@iscoff: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane
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@DanMentos: [guy in charge of naming superheroes] Superman, next Batman, next Wonder Woman, next Aquaman, next *takes a hit of acid* Green Lantern
@alwayzintruble: My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..
@khook32: Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat
@Brianhopecomedy: On my 5 year old's report card it said, "He is encouraged to ask more questions". ARE YOU KIDDING ME.