[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie