Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere