“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else