I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
where the womens at?
Me, reading some of your tweets
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.