It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
It’s a gift
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.