@KalvinMacleod: It's important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@CheryeDavis: Sure I'll join your Cause on Facebook...Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute...
@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@shkeeber: *camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line* *Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette* "It was a... shoeishide"