It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
#Caturday
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.