@WilliamRodgers: It's impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic...
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@FuckabillyRex: Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay's Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop. ❤
@iLikeCatShirts: *throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.
@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
@yogaknifefight: Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.