It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I have two kinds of followers
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
BRO LMFAO
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u