It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwo驶ole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don鈥檛 know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If I fall of this roof cause I鈥檓 tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 馃檨
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I鈥檓 a muggle.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he鈥檚 kind of freaking me out guys.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖