It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.