“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.